The Coital Hoax Warfare
by Risknight
Summary: Sheldon starts a new prank war. Will he win it all or will he lose everything?
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks to wolfofsheep for reviewing my story, editing it, and making awesome suggestions. The title was her idea, too. I love it! **

**I don't own The Big Bang Theory, or the characters.**

* * *

Darn his whimsical nature. Sheldon fidgeted in the hard plastic chair. He was an emotional wreck. Exhaustion, guilt, concern, and anger warred within him. He glanced at the door and wondered fleetingly how much worse it would be if he snuck away. He cringed as he imagined the horrors that would befall him then. He cringed when he imagined the horrors that were going to befall him anyway.

Maybe there was a way out of this. Bribery? Flattery? Money? Chocolates were out. She would be suspicious of that. Penny wasn't much for flowers. Maybe shoes? He could buy her several pairs of designer shoes, possibly. Alcohol? She was fond of drinking but he wasn't willing to contribute to her liver failure. Sheldon sighed and fiddled with the strap on his messenger bag.

He briefly considered calling Leonard or Amy for their advice. That would require listening to both of them chastise him and fret for Penny, though. Better to let them find out tomorrow. The door on the other side of the room opened and Penny stepped through. Sheldon flinched at the look she was giving him. Without a word she marched over to the desk and spoke to the receptionist. Then she walked over and gingerly sat in a chair two rows away from him, deliberately placing her back to him.

Sheldon whimpered and stood. He timidly walked over to Penny and sat across from her. "Penny…"

She gave him a death glare, effectively shutting him up. He looked down at the floor and twisted his hands in his lap.

"I just want to…"

"No." she growled.

Sheldon looked up into her face and cringed. "Please, Penny. You have to…"

"I don't have to do anything, _Dr. Cooper_. I suggest you shut your pie hole right now," she snarled. The receptionist called to Penny that the taxi had arrived and she stood up. Sheldon hurried to follow her out the sliding glass doors. She slid in and he quickly joined her. Penny moved over as far possible and kept her eyes turned toward the window. When they arrived at the apartment she quickly handed the driver money before Sheldon could reach for his wallet.

He sighed sadly. She wasn't even going to let him pay for the taxi. He followed her up the stairs slowly. He could see the stiff way she carried herself and knew only part of it was from anger. They were just reaching the third floor when they both heard laughter and footsteps behind them. In seconds Leonard, Howard and Raj came into view. The guys froze when they saw him and Penny. Leonard gasped and rushed forward.

"Penny! What happened? Are you okay?" Leonard asked. Sheldon hung his head as Penny glared at him again.

"Genius Dr. Cooper can catch you up. I'm going to bed," she hissed angrily. She stormed off and they heard a door open and slam above them.

The guys looked at Sheldon inquiringly. He took a deep breath and looked up. "I was going to prank Penny. It didn't go like I thought it would."

"What happened? Why is she bandaged?" Howard asked.

"I, um, set up the paintball gun to shoot her when she opened the door. I didn't know a marble was mixed in with the paint balls. She has a couple of cracked ribs."

The three men stared at him slack jawed for several seconds.

"Dude, you are so lucky to be alive," Raj said in disbelief.

Sheldon sighed. "She is hardly speaking to me. She won't call me anything other than Dr. Cooper. I have no clue how to make this up to her."

"Okay," Howard said knowingly, "first you lay as still as possible. Only scream if she wants you to, and no matter what, don't beg."

Everyone looked at him with confusion. Howard snickered. "As soon as those ribs heal, she is going to go junior rodeo and castrate you. I'm just offering some advice on how to make her revenge go as quickly as possible."

Sheldon glared at him and stomped up the remaining stairs. He shot a worried look at Penny's door before swiftly slipping into his own apartment. He really needed to figure out how to make this up to her. Preferably before she took revenge.


	2. The Apology

Penny was crying. He could hear her. Sheldon placed his forehead on her door and took a deep breath. He had come over to see if she was feeling any better but before he could knock, his vulcan ears had picked up the sounds of sniffles. Sheldon almost ran back into his own apartment. He was useless when it came to dealing with emotions but, he stayed. He had to. This was his fault. He had caused her injury, and now she was crying. Penny always took care of him when he was sick. She might roll her eyes at him, or get impatient, but she never complained out loud. She never abandoned him. She worried about him, sincerely, when he was ill.

_Knock, knock, knock. _Penny?

_Knock, knock, knock. _Penny?

_Knock, knock, knock. _Penny?

After a few seconds he heard her footsteps. He clutched the tie of his robe and wondered if he should protect his neck. The door opened slightly, Just enough to see her blotchy face.

"What?"

Sheldon hung his head. "I just wanted to check on you, Penny." His voice was low, and he looked at her sadly. "I am so sorry, Penny. I truly am. Please don't hate me!"

Penny sighed and swung the door open further. "I don't hate you, Sheldon." She moved toward the kitchen and he hesitantly followed her. He watched her clutch at her side as she moved. He could see the tension in her neck and shoulders.

"Penny, do you have any pain medication you can take?" he asked gently.

She shook her head. "I told the doctor I didn't want any. You saw how I got on the ones they gave me for my dislocated shoulder. I was sick all the next day. I'd rather just take a couple of Aleve and be sore." She grabbed a bottle of water and took a sip.

He hadn't thought it possible, but he felt even worse knowing she was suffering without pain relief. Sheldon struggled to think of a way to make things better, but drew a blank. For the first time in a long time, he couldn't solve a problem.

"Penny, why were you crying?" he asked softly.

She sighed and shrugged. "I hurt, Sheldon. I can't move very well, and when I tried to change into my pajamas, I realized I wasn't going to be able to get my shoes off, or my bottoms on without more pain because I can't bend."

Sheldon squared his shoulders resolutely. "I will help you. It is my fault you are hurt, so I will help you while you recover."

Penny stared at him for a couple of seconds. If he was Leonard or Howard or even Raj, she would have suspected he was looking for a way to see her naked. But this was Sheldon and he was offering to step way outside his comfort zone. That meant more to her than any apology. Penny smiled and reached over to pat his arm.

"Thank you, sweetie. I'll be fine. I'm just tired and cranky. Go back to your apartment and get some sleep. You have work in the morning."

Sheldon started to protest, but Penny practically pushed him out the door. He hesitated outside his door when he heard Penny call his name. He looked back at her and she was smiling serenely.

"I am not mad, I promise," she said. "But that doesn't mean I won't have my revenge, Moon Pie." Then she shut the door and left him gawking in the hallway.

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**A/N**

**To the person who sent me the PM about how Shenny fans are deluded, I hope you send me more. I had a hoot and a holler with the other one. I copied it, went to google translate and converted it to Mandarin. Then I translated it to Finnish. Then Russian. Then I just randomly chose a couple of languages before ending it at Chinese. By the time I turned it back into English it read "No see ****point ****your missing. Sheeny for lovely back times you know!" It's like a pretty little poem now.  
**


	3. A Worthy Adversary

He wasn't sure what to expect from Penny as revenge. He's certain it wasn't this though. He glared at Howard and Leonard who had collapsed on the couch from laughter. Sheldon slowly edged his feet forward, careful not to raise his foot too far off the ground. He was surrounded by thousands of super bouncy balls. Every movement he made only served to send them scattering into an ever widening area.

How had she managed to fill his room with so many of the polybutadiene menaces? He grimaced as a few dozen balls rolled off the hall step and began bouncing across the living room floor. Sheldon reached for the hall closet door. There were plastic totes inside he could gather the balls into. He twisted the knob but the door was stuck. Sheldon gripped it more firmly and jerked it open.

Howard and Leonard howled with laughter. Yellow rubber ducks cascaded all over Sheldon. Every single one had a tiny drink umbrella glued to it's side. The front door opened and Penny peeped around the corner with an innocent look on her face.

"Is everything okay? I thought I heard a crashing noise." She stepped just inside the open door and gently placed her palms on her cheeks. "Oh my. What a mess! Sheldon, sweetie! Be very careful you don't slip on those balls. Good thing you have so many whimsical, umbrella holding ducks to keep you from falling and hurting yourself." Penny dipped down, careful of her ribs, and picked up three bouncy balls. She started to juggle them nonchalantly.

"Well, I'd stay and chat boys, but I have to go to work. See ya later." Penny winked at Sheldon and let the balls fall down to the floor where they bounced off in three separate directions. Sheldon's left eye twitched maddeningly as he heard her laughter going down the stairwell.

He fumed as he surveyed the apartment floor. One of the balls she had dropped had bounced high enough to knock over the pencil holder on his desk, and now pens and pencils were scattering across the floor also. Sheldon's next words not only stifled Leonard and Howard's snickers, they made the boys gulp with fear.

"A worthy adversary indeed."


	4. A 6 foot Texas Toad

She was going to kill him, she thought as she pasted a fake bright smile on her face. Oh, yes. Slowly, painfully, and in such a way, books will be written about it. A hand raised and started snapping for notice. Penny turned and walked over to the man with the suspenders and horrid comb-over. "Yes?"

"Look, toots, my drink is almost empty. Step it up and get me another!"

Penny picked up the glass and began carrying it away. Across the room she could see Amy, Leonard, Howard, Raj and Bernadette watching her sympathetically. Sheldon was grinning his Kill the Batman smile. She smiled at him as sweetly as possible. That 6 foot Texas toad was behind this. He had invited the local volunteer fire fighters for dinner, his treat. He had arranged to sit them in her section. All 57 of them. Even worse, he had told them she was single.

She was just returning with the guy's drink when another needed a beer. One was asking for more BBQ sauce. Another was trying to pass her his number. The short stocky red head kept trying to get her phone number. And if the one with the tattoos grabbed her ass one more time, she was dumping a pitcher of lemonade on him. Penny sent Sheldon a snarl. Or maybe she'd dump it on him!

Penny gathered the mountain of empty plates as the men started yelling out dessert orders. She passed by the guys as she made her way to the kitchen. Sheldon's voice was low and amused.

"Like cheesecake, revenge is a dish best served cold."

Oh, she was soooo getting him back for this!


	5. Good Night For Girl's Night

She smiled when she saw the caller ID on her phone. She cleared her throat and hit TALK.

"Hello, Leonard. How are you today?"

"Umm, Penny? We're friends, right? Good friends, who care about each other?"

"But of course, Leonard," she answered. "Why do you ask?"

She could hear the whimpers on the other end of the phone and did a silent victory dance.

"Penny, as my dear friend, could you please end this? Before someone gets hurt?" Leonard begged.

Penny snorted. "Oh, my ribs are healing nicely, thank you for asking."

Leonard sighed. "Okay, so he started it, but Penny, this is getting out of hand!" She heard Sheldon squeak loudly near Leonard's phone.

"Is something wrong, Leonard? Sheldon sounds distressed." She smirked, almost wishing she was there to see it.

"Penny!" Sheldon screeched into the phone.

She jammed her fist in her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. "Yes, Sheldon? Is there something you need?"

"Germs, Penny! Each one of the homunculi are dripping with drool or snot! They all have dirty hands! They keep touching my thi…. Oh sweet suffering Jesus! Put that down!"

"Hey, Penny? It's Howard. Listen, I don't know how you managed to arrange a field trip of 4th graders to visit Sheldon's office, but you might want to be out when he gets home. They're doodling on his white boards."

Penny exploded with laughter and dropped her phone. She clutched at her tender sides and rolled across the bed. As soon as she was able she grabbed some pj's and a change of clothes. Looks like it's time for a girl's night at Amy's.


	6. Sunshine and Saran Wrap

Penny tried to turn over so she could cuddle deeper under the blanket but she couldn't get her arm to move. Groggily she opened her eyes. She started to sit up, but it was as if something heavy was sitting on her chest. Penny looked down her body in confusion. Slowly her eyes widened. No way! How the hell?

"**SHELDON!"**

Leonard looked up from his cereal to see Sheldon smirking from the couch.

"Oh god! What now?" he asked his room mate. Sheldon pulled a rectangular box from under the table. Leonard walked over and took the empty Saran Wrap dispenser from Sheldon gingerly. Under the table were three more, all empty.

"I think Penny could probably sleep through a tornado," Sheldon quipped before heading to the bathroom for his shower.

Leonard sighed heavily and retrieved the spare key from the bowl. He grabbed scissors from his desk drawer and timidly walked across the hall. Maybe he would talk to Raj about staying over there until the war ended.

XTBBTX

He would not admit defeat! He was smarter than her! He would fix this! The door opened behind him and he saw Penny lean against the door jab with a smile. He resolutely ignored her as he typed away on his lap top. She moved further into the room. He thought she was going to the couch, so he jerk in surprise when he felt her breath on his neck.

"What's the matter, sweetie? Something wrong with your laptop?" Her voice purred happily in his ear.

Sheldon narrowed his eyes and sat stiffly. "You are playing a dangerous game, Penny," he warned.

She moved to his other ear and softly giggled. "Why Moon Pie, are you upset with little ol' me?" she pouted.

Sheldon looked up into her twinkling hazel eyes. "This is not over."

Penny smiled brightly. "Oh, sugar. It's just begun." Then she startled him by blowing him a kiss from only inches away and sauntering out the door. " By the way, the new wifi password is _Penny is my sunshine and I love her_. No spaces."

Sheldon twitched for several seconds after she left. Slowly he resumed some semblance of calm. That woman is going to be the death of me, he thought. He turned back to his laptop and grudgingly typed in the password. He would find out how she had hacked the account later. He had to think of a new prank worthy of the 12 hours he just spent trying to figure out what was wrong with his wifi.


	7. To Woo or Not To Woo

Sheldon looked over his notes once again, but kept drawing the same conclusion. This prank war with Penny was yielding unexpected side effects. At first, things had been normal. He pranked her then she pranked him. But slowly things were changing. It had begun with the firemen. He had thought it a great prank at first, until he noticed the two men who kept groping Penny. He felt guilty for that. Almost as guilty as the cracked ribs. He also felt upset slightly. He originally attributed it the guilt, but he understood now it was anger. He hadn't liked them touching her like that. It was disrespectful.

Then the kids had shown up at his office for a "field trip" with him as their guide. He had spent the afternoon after they had left plotting. He couldn't help but admire the way she had set him up though. And her voice on the phone had made him smile in spite of the chaos in his office.

Wrapping her in the plastic wrap had been the turning point. He tried to tell himself that it was just a technique to keep her from waking up, but he could not deny the thrill he had gotten running his fingers through her hair and softly singing Soft Kitty to her every time she mumbled or moved in her sleep.

Her whispered breath in his ear yesterday had convinced him. He was beginning to grow attracted to Penny. Emotionally, he already had a bond with her than was stronger than his bond with Leonard or any other friend. He trusted her. He liked her. They were friends. She was dependable and always stuck by him.

Now he was developing a physical need for Penny. He had always considered her attractive. There was no denying her physical attributes. He had just never set much stock in them before. However, she was beginning to elicit a more tangible response from him. He no longer objected to the small touches she gave him. In fact he looked forward to the light press of her leg when she sat beside him, a soft pat on his arm as she spoke, the brush of her finger tips over his when he handed her something.

Sheldon sighed as he closed his notebook. He wasn't sure what to do. Did he want to pursue this? If no, how could he rid himself of these fledgling feelings? If yes, how to proceed? He had no experience in relationships. He had never had a need to develop those skills. Other than a couple of experimental sexual encounters as a teen, he had never been attracted to anyone. He had always considered himself immune to sexual desire, above the need for intimacy.

Yet here he was, caught in the beginning stages of desire for someone else. And not just anyone else, either. It was Penny, his friend. The only woman he had purposely sought out. He couldn't regret that though. When she and Leonard had broken up, it had been uncomfortable losing her from his social circle. He did not make friends easily, or willingly, but Penny was his friend and he would loath to lose her. So, he had made a concerted effort to maintain that friendship so that while she and Leonard had struggled to overcome the discomfort of their break up and regain their own friendship, she was still a part of his life.

Sheldon prepared for bed and slid under the covers. Penny was important to him. How would changing the parameters of their friendship affect them? Sheldon was just drifting off to sleep when he shot up in bed.

What if Penny was not attracted to him? What if she had no interest in a romantic relationship with him? Sheldon was worried. If she didn't care for him as he cared for her, would he lose her altogether? Sheldon rose from his bed hurriedly. He grabbed up his notebook and began writing. He would need to ensure her attraction to him. He was going to need to woo Penny, and he might just have the perfect way to do it.


	8. More Amusing Prey

She watched him from under her lashes. He was up to something. Something big, if his current behavior was any indication. She wiped down the bar and straightened some glasses. Sheldon was sitting at the other end, reading a Flash comic.

He had shown up a hour ago, out of the blue, and said he needed a ride home. He told her he was perfectly willing to wait on her to finish her shift. That he would sit quietly, in the corner, and she need not concern herself with him.

The restaurant was almost empty, so Penny moved down toward him. "Sheldon?"

He looked up from his comic inquiringly.

Penny frowned. "What are you up to? Why are you here?"

Sheldon looked around the room and then reached for his messenger bag. He put away the comic and smirked. "You and I are usually in sync when it comes to pranks and jokes, Penny. We have had some epic battles with one another. Our current one is well on it's way to being our greatest ever."

Penny smiled wickedly. "True. However, you haven't answered my question."

Sheldon leaned his elbows on the bar and dropped his voice. "What would you say to redirecting our efforts toward other, more amusing prey?"

Quickly Penny glanced around to ensure they had privacy. "Who do you have in mind?"

Sheldon grinned his evilest grin ever. "Everyone."

XTBBTX

The university was deserted at this time of night but for the occasional sweep by security or cleaning staff. Sheldon turned on his light and pulled a notebook from his bag. Penny took a chair and waited. She was intrigued.

Sheldon sat down and faced her. He took a steadying breath and showed her the plan. "Penny, in two days my brother and sister will be visiting. With Leonard still at Raj's apartment, Missy will take his room and George will take the couch. Now, the reason for their visit is my mommy is intent on me becoming more social. She has instructed them to force me to go out, and meet women. Luckily my Meemaw knows how much I hate surprises and has informed me of the plan. Over the last 8 years I have heard many times the theory my friends have that I am asexual, incapable of attracting or maintaining a relationship, and likely to die alone. I want to fool them all into believing I have established a physical relationship thus proving Leonard, Howard and Raj wrong, while also derailing Missy and George."

Penny frowned as she thought about his words. "You want them to think you met a girl and are having sex. Okay. What does this have to do with me or our little war?"

Sheldon smirked. "You will be the girl."

Penny's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. For several seconds she stared at him. Sheldon was starting to fidget when suddenly she slid from the chair to the floor, howling with laughter. Sheldon glared at her and crossed his arms. He didn't see why she had to laugh at him like that.

After several minutes Penny finally regained some control of herself. She grabbed a tissue from his desk and pulled herself back up into the chair. "Oh my god, Moon Pie! They are going to lose their minds! This is perfect!"

It was Sheldon's turn to stare at Penny. She wasn't laughing _**at **_him. She was laughing at their friends! He smiled at her and gave a breathy laugh of his own. After a few moments, though, Penny began to frown.

"Sheldon? How are we going to convince them? No way would they believe that we just suddenly, after 5 years, started liking each other," she said.

He handed her some papers. "I have already thought of that. I have created a scenario that I think will be most convincing." He watched Penny read over it swiftly. She nodded a few times, and frowned a few times. She offered a few suggestions for changes, and after some discussion they were able to come up with a foolproof plan. Sheldon and Penny stared at the papers. This would work. It was perfect.

Were they really going to do this? Penny looked over at Sheldon and beamed. Yes. Yes, they were.


	9. Working Out Their Differences

Leonard, Howard and Raj sat on the couch waiting on Sheldon to get ready. It was paintball day and they were looking forward to taking on the Literature department. A sudden screech from across the hall had all three men cringing and scrambling behind the couch. The door burst open and Penny stormed in holding her laptop.

The guys quaked under the look she gave them. Through gritted teeth she asked "Where is he?"

Three arms immediately pointed to the bathroom. Penny stalked down the hall. She paused outside the bathroom door and raised her hand to knock. Raj whimpered as she grinned ferociously and instead grabbed the knob and flung it open. They edged closer to the hall and clearly heard Sheldon's squawk of alarm.

"PENNY! GET OUT!"

"YOU FIX THIS!"

"YOU CAN'T COME BARGING IN HERE!"

"FIX IT NOW!"

"NO!"

Sheldon yelped loudly. "THAT'S ANOTHER STRIKE!"

"STRIKE? I'LL GIVE YOU A STRIKE!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE BANISHED!"

"OH HELL NO!"

The guys crept closer slowly. They could hear movement in the bathroom. Suddenly something slammed into the bathroom door making them jump. Howard tilted his head a bit.

"Umm, does that look like…" he started to say.

"No!" Leonard interrupted. They stared at the shadowy figure pressed up against the glass. There were two large hands pressed on either side of it. The slim shadow in the middle writhed. A low moan caused them to back up a few steps.

"Dudes, I don't think they're fighting anymore," Raj whispered.

Leonard shook his head fervently. Howard nodded his in astonishment. Raj really had to pee.

After a moment the shadows pulled away from the door and they heard a gasp and a thump. The door knob turned and they scrambled back to the couch. A couple of seconds later Penny slowly walked across the floor and straight out the door without a word.

They came back around the front of the couch and looked out the door. As one, they turned to see Sheldon standing on the step holding Penny's laptop, wearing only his pajama bottoms. Before they could think of something to say Sheldon's eyes narrowed and he straightened his shoulders. He stomped across the floor and out the door. He paused for only a second outside Penny's door before flinging it open and going inside. The door slammed behind him and the guys crowded in the doorway of 4A.

"WHAT THE HELL?! GET OUT!"

"YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE LIKE THAT!"

"I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT SHELDON!"

"I NEVER GAVE YOU PERMISSION…"

"PERMISSION? I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION!"

"YOU BIT ME!"

"YOU DESERVED IT!"

"APOLOGIZE!"

"MAKE ME!"

"DO IT!"

"SCREW YOU!"

"SCREW ME? SCREW YOU!"

All of a sudden things got quiet. They couldn't hear anything at all. No arguing, no fighting, not even any whispering. Howard, being the bravest and nosiest, crept close and put his ear to the wall. Second's later he looked at the wall in shock and scrambled back into 4A. He grabbed up his paint ball gun and helmet.

"Sheldon's not going to be joining us today. Let's go."

Leonard groaned. "We can't let her kill him!"

Howard shook his head. "She isn't. They're …working out their differences."

Leonard looked at Penny's door. He didn't like the look in Howard's eyes. He shook his head in denial. "No. No way."

Raj and Howard watched him move to the door. He raised his hand to knock, but the sudden sound of squeaking springs stopped him. In seconds the guys were racing down the stairwell. They were almost to the 2nd floor before they stopped hearing the noise.

They were actually on the paint ball field before they managed to convince themselves they hadn't heard what they thought they heard.


	10. PDA's

Penny bounced enthusiastically on her bed as Sheldon watched out the peep hole in the door. She smiled at the glee on Sheldon's face. He really was a cutie at times, she thought to herself. She heard running feet and saw Sheldon motion her to bounce more. She crawled up onto her knees and bounced as hard as she could. After a minute or so Sheldon left the door and moved into the bedroom.

"I believe they are on their way to play paintball, now." Penny stopped bouncing and flopped over onto the pillow and giggled.

"Did you see Raj's face?" she asked. "I thought he was going to have an accident!"

Sheldon smiled and moved to the kitchen. He put on the tea kettle and watched Penny move to the couch. She curled her feet up under her and looked over the notes he had given her last night. He took a couple of cups down from the cabinet and glanced at her.

"Penny, I think we may have overlooked a tiny flaw in our plan," he said suddenly. She looked up and frowned.

"What do you mean?"

Sheldon poured the tea and carried the cups to the coffee table. "One of the things we have not discussed are PDA's."

Penny looked confused. "Sweetie, we both have smartphones. Why do we need PDA's?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Public displays of affection, Penny."

Penny snorted. "Sheldon, you don't do public displays of affection. No one is going to expect you to hold my hand."

Sheldon barely controlled the twitch over his eye. "Missy will. And I do not think Leonard will believe us without some form of affection."

Penny shrugged. "Okay, sugar. Just grab my hand when one of them is looking."

This was not going the way Sheldon wanted. He tried again. "I think we can do a little better than that."

He moved a bit closer to Penny on the couch and leaned in to kiss her cheek quickly. Penny yelped in surprise and stared at him. Sheldon sat back and smiled smugly. "That should work, should it not?"

"You kissed me!" Penny exclaimed. "Since when do you kiss someone?"

Sheldon sighed. "It is for our ruse, Penny." He glanced at her sideways. "However, if you do not think you can manage such an act," he said calmly, "then I guess we can settle for hand holding and hope no one questions us too closely."

Penny's eyes lit up at his challenge. His pulse leapt with anticipation. He knew she could not resist one-upping him.

"You're right, sugar_._ We _should_ be convincing." Penny swiftly rotated her body and Sheldon gasped as she was unexpectedly straddling his lap. Her arms wound around his neck. Instinctively his hands moved to her hips. Penny moved in close and licked her lips before gently pressing them to his. Sheldon was frozen, unable to do more that dig his fingers into her skin as she kissed him. After a couple of seconds she pulled away smugly.

"Hmm, guess I was wrong. Not very convincing." Penny grinned and started to move off him. Sheldon wrapped his arms around her waist and held her still.

Penny's eyes widened as Sheldon drew her down for another kiss. He pressed his lips to hers as she had done. Penny's mind short circuited. She parted her lips and drew his bottom one between hers so she could suck on it gently. Sheldon's hands splayed across her back as he pressed her chest against his.

Sheldon determinedly pushed away all thought of germs. He copied Penny's movements and sucked on her top lip. Her tongue darted out to stroke his lip, and he trembled. Penny quickly pulled away. They were both gasping.


	11. Competetive Kisses

"I'm so sorry, Sheldon!" she exclaimed. "I didn't mean to assault you!"

Sheldon quickly shook his head. "Penny, please, I started this. I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I was simply going for realism." He had to make sure she didn't back out now. Especially not now that he knew how she felt in his arms.

Penny stared at him in astonishment. "Sheldon, are you saying you are okay with this much physical contact?"

Sheldon leaned around her and picked up his tea so she wouldn't see his blush. "Penny, we are friends, are we not? We have hugged before. We have taken care of each other before when ill. While I admit I did not expect this reaction, I find I am not unopposed to using it to our advantage."

Penny considered his words carefully. They were playing with fire here. She knew it. She wasn't sure Sheldon did, though. "Sweetie, this could go very badly. Remember our talk about friends with benefits? How I told you I wasn't good at maintaining an emotional distance? This is much the same thing."

Sheldon looked up at her. "I like sugar."

Penny frowned. "Huh?"

Sheldon smiled. "You called me Sugar twice. I like that better than Sweetie."

Penny gawked at him. "Sheldon, are you not listening to me? That was no simple, friends-playing-a-joke kiss. I liked it. I mean I _really _liked it."

"As did I," he said simply. "I do not see how that is a problem."

Penny scrambled off his lap and began pacing around the room. "Sheldon, we're talking about attraction here. Sexual attraction. Why are you not more upset by this?"

Sheldon stood and watched her warily. He had to play his cards just right or he would ruin everything. "Penny, I am not upset because you are my friend. Granted, our competitive natures may have elicited an unexpected over-reaction, but I believe it was simply that we were trying to outdo one another."

Penny stilled as she considered his statement. "So, we only felt what we did because we were competing?"

Sheldon only nodded. He wasn't sure he could speak the lie again without giving himself away. Penny moved over to him. She looked up at him hesitantly.

"Let's try again, no competing and see what happens," she suggested. Sheldon swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Penny placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned up, while he bent down.

He kept a tight rein on his emotions and gently kissed Penny. Penny, meanwhile, was so freaked by her earlier reaction, it dampened her desire down and it made this kiss pleasant, but not overwhelming. She sighed with relief. She couldn't afford to get emotionally hooked on Sheldon. He was her best friend. Falling for him would be the end of their friendship.

Sheldon hid his discontent and smiled benignly. "See? Not unpleasant, but not sexual either."

Penny nodded. "Okay. So, we have a handle on PDA's. Right?"

Sheldon nodded. "Yes. I believe we are prepared for anything, now." He watched Penny move back to the couch. He moved to take his spot beside her and she turned on the TV to a Star Trek rerun. Neither of them said another word about what had happened. Instead they focused resolutely on what to expect when Missy and George arrived the next day.


	12. Acting OOC

Penny held up a shirt and regarded it carefully. It wasn't an exact match but it was very close. She looked around and located Stuart pricing some action figures. She hung the shirt back up and moved across the room.

"Stuart?"

He turned and looked at Penny in surprise. "Penny? Oh, hello. What are you doing here?"

Penny smiled slightly. "I'm looking for a Flash tee shirt. Just like the orange one Sheldon has."

Stuart looked at her with concern. "Did you ruin Sheldon's shirt?"

Penny shook her head. "Actually I was looking for one in my size. I …um really like his and wanted one of my own," she said with a blush.

Stuart stared at her for several seconds before slowly walking over to another rack of shirts. He searched for a moment before handing her a shirt. Penny stared at it for a moment. Hmmm, a size too small, but that might work in her favor.

"Perfect," she said with a grin. Stuart rang up her purchase in a daze. Penny walked out the door and down the sidewalk.

"Whoa," Stuart said.

XTBBTX

Penny looked in the mirror and tried to see herself from the guy's perspective. According to Sheldon seeing the two of them in matching shirts would reinforce the idea of her and Sheldon as a couple. An orange Flash shirt, tiny orange shorts, and black and orange striped socks. She pulled her bangs back in a red penny-blossom and applied lip gloss. Penny smirked and headed for the door. Time to get this show on the road. She reviewed their plan as she crossed the hall.

**Step One : Knock, don't walk in.**

Penny knocked on the door and waited patiently as Leonard opened the door. He stared at her in confusion until he noticed her outfit. Then he made a soft whining sound. He moved back from the door and Penny stepped inside. Sheldon was in the kitchen making tea. She stopped beside Leonard's desk and ignored the guys on the couch.

**Step Two : Be coy.**

"Hello, Sheldon," she said shyly.

Sheldon looked down at the floor and shuffled his feet. "Good afternoon, Penny."

Penny slid her hands into her back pockets, making her chest stick out more. "Listen, I was making some spaghetti for dinner and wondered if you would like to join me, maybe."

"With little hot dogs in the sauce," Sheldon asked with a bit of excitement.

Penny smiled at him brightly. "Of course, Sugar." Three jaws dropped as they looked back and forth between Penny and Sheldon.

**Step Three: Act submissive.**

Sheldon moved a few steps closer to Penny. Penny glided forward also. They were separated by only a few inches. "I would be happy to join you if it is not a bother.

Penny reached out and touched his forearm lightly. "That would be nice. I'm glad you want some."

Howard make a choking noise at the innuendo. Penny blushed and looked down at the floor. "Well, I guess I'll go start dinner," she murmured. "Will you give me 30 minutes to cook?"

Sheldon smiled tenderly. "That is acceptable," he said softly. Penny beamed up at him and walked to the door. She paused for a moment and looked back at Sheldon. Then she walked out and shut the door behind her. Sheldon stared at the door for precisely 7 seconds before give a small start and heading back into the kitchen for his tea.

He counted to 4 in his head before Leonard spoke. "Sheldon? Wanna catch us up?"

Sheldon looked over at his friends in confusion. "About what?"

Howard smirked. "About you and Penny!" he said suggestively. "Are you two doing the horizontal hop?"

Sheldon frowned at Howard. "What?"

Raj sat on the arm of the couch. "Come on dude! Spill the beans! What's going on between you and Penny?"

Sheldon shrugged. "We are having dinner together. Are all of you experiencing difficulties with your hearing?

"Why?" Leonard asked sternly. "Why are you having dinner with Penny? Besides, it's pizza night!"

Sheldon looked at him blankly. "Why? Because you are a bit young for hearing loss, Leonard. You should get a cat scan to make sure you do not have a tumor. As for why I am having dinner with Penny, she asked. I like spaghetti with little cut up hotdogs in the sauce."

"You and Penny are having dinner together?" he pressed.

Sheldon sipped his tea. "Leonard, you are forcing me to repeat myself. Penny and I often have dinner together."

"Yes," Leonard said with a raised voice, "with all of us!"

Sheldon frowned. "Actually Penny and I have often shared a meal without the rest of you. Nearly every Anything Can Happen Thursday, in fact."

Leonard gawked at him, giving Sheldon time to set down his cup and walk toward his bedroom. "Now, if you will excuse me, I must prepare for my dinner with Penny."

When he came out 20 minutes later, the guys were sitting on the couch staring at him.

"Sheldon, you are still wearing the same thing," Leonard said testily.

Sheldon smoothed his shirt. "Yes, I am. I decided to not change. I like the Flash." He walked to the door and opened it. "Gentlemen, have a good evening."


	13. The Why Box

Sheldon didn't bother knocking on Penny's door. It was part of their plan. Not knocking implied he was confident of his welcome and that he and Penny had reached a level of comfort where she was okay with him just walking in unannounced.

Penny was not there. Sheldon frowned and looked around. He heard shuffling movements from the bedroom so he walked over and opened the door. He froze at the sight of Penny's bottom waving in the air clad only in those tiny shorts. The rest of her was buried under the bed. Sheldon closed his eyes tight and back up into the living room. He took a couple of deep breaths and steadied his pulse. This attraction was quickly becoming uncontrollable.

After a few deep breaths the bedroom door opened fully and Penny walked out with a shoe box in her hands. She was looking down at it sadly. Sheldon watched her worriedly. She walked past him and laid the box on the coffee table. Sheldon itched to wipe the dust from the top. Instead he just followed her into the kitchen. She washed her hands and began making the sauce. She put on a pot of water to boil for the noodles. Penny washed her hands again and dried them on the towel. She moved to the couch and sat down. Sheldon followed her carefully.

"Penny? You appear to be upset. Is there anything I can do?" Sheldon was alarmed to see a tear slip down her cheek. Sheldon turned sideways to face her. "Penny? Please, what is wrong?"

She sniffed and grabbed a tissue. She wiped the dust from the box and traced her fingers over the hearts drawn on the top. "My mom called me just after I got back over here," she said softly.

Sheldon's hands twitched in his lap. "Has something happened at home?"

Penny shook her head. "No. Just more guilt soup." Sheldon looked at her with puzzlement. Penny shrugged one shoulder. "A few pounds of _'you're going nowhere, so come home',_ a couple cups of _'when are you going to grow up'_ and a dash of _'we just don't understand you' _all jumbled together in a big ol' bowl of guilt."

Sheldon looked at the box cradled in her lap. "Penny, what is in the box?"

She smiled up at him with watery eyes and opened it up. On the top was a menu from the Cheesecake Factory. Scrawled across the back was a hand written note. "**In exchange for a $2 per hour raise, Penny Queen agrees to work every Tuesday and always wait on Crazy BBQ Cheeseburger Guy."** It was signed by Penny's manager. He looked at it and then at her.

"You used me to get a raise at work?" he asked sternly.

Penny giggled. "Yep. Of course I would have worked every Tuesday anyway, but what Frank doesn't know won't hurt him." Sheldon gaped at her for a moment before laughing lightly. How productive of her!

Next Penny pulled out a strip of small photos. He stared at the two of them, him in Mickey Mouse ears and her smiling brightly. Their trip to Disneyland. He had wondered what had happened to these.

Next was a penny-blossom. "The first one I ever made," she said softly.

A postcard of a penguin conga line was up next. He turned it over. **Dear Penny. We have arrived at the last way station before we leave for our camp. We are safe and miss you. We hope you will miss us too. Love, Raj, Howard, Sheldon and Leonard.**

Sheldon was shocked. "I had no idea he had sent this to you."

Penny nodded. "I figured as much. It's all Raj's handwriting and I think if you had a say, you wouldn't have sent a conga line of penguins." Sheldon could only stare at the postcard. She was right. He would have thought it frivolous and insisted on something more realistic.

Under the postcard was a label for Mama Rosa's spaghetti sauce. "In case I ever forget what brand you like," Penny said before he could ask.

Ticket stubs from movies she had seen with Leonard, a playbill for the Anne Frank play she had been in, an empty package from the hopping frog adhesive tub guards she had bought after her accident… Each item she pulled out was of some sentimental significance to Penny. Those he did not understand she explained. Finally they reached some folded pieces of paper on the bottom. Penny looked at them for several moments without touching. Then she set the box on the table and stuffed everything back in. She hurriedly walked into the kitchen and added the spaghetti to the water. Sheldon reached into the box and sifted until he could grab the papers and pull them out. Penny's back was to him so he unfolded them and started reading.


	14. Surprise, Surprise

**Sorry for the cliffhanger. I have a 2 yr old who is getting sick. :( I only had time to spell check two chapters earlier, and this one tonight. I promise I wasn't just being evil.  
...as far as you know. XD**

* * *

**_Sheldon's__ Schedule_  
**

Monday : Oatmeal for breakfast and Thai food for dinner.

Tuesday : Cereal for breakfast and Big Boy (Big Boy was X'd out) BBQ bacon cheeseburger for dinner.

Wednesday : French toast for breakfast and Soup Plantation for dinner. New Comic night. Halo night.

Thursday : Pizza (sausage, mushroom, light olives.) 3rd Thur is Anything Can Happen night.

Friday : Eggs and toast for breakfast. Chinese and vintage video games.

Saturday : Cereal and Dr. Who for breakfast. Laundry at 8:15pm.

Sunday : paintball every other week Wii bowling on alternate weeks. Big Boy for dinner.

**_Sheldon's Dislikes_**

Humming

Whistling

Germs

Driving

Reality TV

Hospitals

Drinking

Touching

Birds

Someone sitting in his spot

Blood

Goofy

_**Sheldon's likes**_

Meemaw

Trains

Comics

Dr. Who

Spock

Putt Putt golf

Chess

Soft Kitty

Pranks

Diet Virgin Cuba Libres

Lysine

Mountain Dew

Warlords of Ka'a

On-line gaming

Sheldon read everything through twice. There was a section on his favorite movies. Another section listed his favorite games. One whole page dealt only with what she had managed to learn about his work. Sheldon folded them back up and laid them in the box. Slowly he stood and walked up behind her.

"Penny? What is all of that?" he asked timidly.

Penny was silent for a few seconds. "It's my WHY box, Sheldon. Why I stay. Why I don't go back to Omaha. Why I put up with my crappy job." She turned and faced him. "If I leave, I lose you guys. I don't want that. You four are the best friends I have ever had. Not to mention, I have Amy and Bernadette now, too. If I did what my mom said, I would miss you. All of you. I don't want that. So whenever I am feeling sad, I take out the box and remind myself that I wouldn't be happy anywhere else."

Sheldon was stunned by the conflicting emotions inside him. He was happy she kept reminders of why she should stay. He was a bit jealous that the others were included in that. He was angry her mom made her doubt herself. He was sad she doubted herself. Sheldon watched her eyes, seeing the wounded pride and need for comfort. He opened his arms and after a second Penny moved in close. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her head.

"There, there," he said gently. "Sheldon's here." They stood there for several minutes. Penny started to pull away but Sheldon tightened his arms a fraction. She looked up at his questioningly. Sheldon reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear and smiled. Penny's lips parted and her tongue darted out to lick them. Sheldon slid his hand to the back of her neck and started to bend toward her. The sound of a door slamming made them jump. They both turned to see Missy, George, Howard, Raj and Bernadette watching them in astonishment. The slamming door had been Leonard storming back into 4A.


	15. That Answers That

Sheldon watched Penny stir the spaghetti sauce as he placed the loaf of garlic bread on a baking sheet. With the unexpected arrival of his family, they had agreed to move dinner to 4A. Behind him in the living room sat his family and friends. Well, all except Leonard who was standing beside the hallway looking back and forth between him and Penny angrily.

He looked over at his sister. "I was not expecting you until tomorrow."

George and Missy grinned. "Well, she said wryly, " we had planned on surprising ya and watching ya go all twitchy on us, but I guess we're the ones who got surprised."

Sheldon blushed and glanced at Penny who smiled up at him wickedly. He loved that spark in her eyes that meant she was enjoying herself. She didn't get it much anymore. He was proud it was he who put it there again.

"Well?" Leonard asked gruffly. "Want to explain what is going on here?"

The smile vanished as Penny looked over at Sheldon with a fair bit of guilt and worry. He sighed. He had known this would be a stumbling block but he was prepared. "Penny is making spaghetti and I am preparing garlic bread, Leonard."

Leonard stepped down into the kitchen. "That is not what I mean, Sheldon and you know it! What is going on between you and Penny?"

Sheldon kept his eyes on Penny. She was very emotional after her mother's call and this might cause her to break off the plan. He was not about to give up so far into his scheme. Sheldon moved around the table and stood behind Penny. He reached around her and turned the burner down with one hand while the other settled on her waist. He was gratified when she leaned back into him.

Penny took a deep breath and patted his arm. She turned to look at Leonard. "Sheldon and I are seeing each other." Everyone stared at her as if she had grown a second head.

Out of the blue George began a loud guffawing laugh. "Little lady, none of us believe that. What's really up with you and Shelly Bean?" he asked.

Penny took a step to the side so she could see Sheldon's brother better. George looked nothing like Sheldon, being a couple of inches shorter, and twice as thick. He had a scruffy chin and darker eyes. His flannel shirt and worn jeans epitomized the cowboy look. She narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth.

Sheldon placed a hand along her cheek and turned her face to his. He shook his head and bent down. Penny raised up to meet him halfway and they heard several gasps as their lips met. She wound her arms around his waist and pressed closer. Sheldon pulled away after a moment and licked his lips. He turned and picked up the baking sheet and slid it into the oven.

He then turned and faced his brother. "It does not matter what you believe, George. What matters is that it is none of your business. So, kindly keep your remarks to yourself."

"Excuse me, but while it may not be his business, it is most definitely mine!" Leonard said crossly.

"How?"

Leonard looked at Penny with surprise. "Huh?"

"How?" she asked again. "How is it any of your business?"

They all watched Leonard stammer for a moment. "Because you and I … were, I mean, well, we dated."

Penny crossed her arms. "So? You don't see me questioning you about anyone you dated after we broke up."

"This is different!" Leonard exclaimed. He flung a hand toward Sheldon. "He's breaking the guy code! You don't date your best friend's ex!"

Sheldon looked confused. "But I'm not. To say I was dating my best friend's ex would imply I am dating you, Leonard." Leonard was bemused. Sheldon sighed. "Penny is my best friend. She has been ever since the can opener incident."

Leonard narrowed his eyes. "Is that what this is about?!"

Sheldon frowned. "Of course not. You implied you are my best friend. I simple seek to set the record straight." Penny stiffened beside him as Leonard stormed closer.

"Him? You're dating him? How could you chose him? It's Sheldon, for god's sake!" Leonard yelled at her.

Penny wasn't sure what she was thinking. What she did know was that once again Leonard was treating Sheldon like a bother. Like he was some burden Leonard was inflicted with. Sheldon deserved better than that.

"Because I care about him. Because I like the way he makes me feel. Because he likes me. He isn't trying to change who he is, or who I am. He knows my flaws and I know his, and despite that we both still like each other. Because he's sweet and smart and arrogant and annoying and sexy and kind and stubborn. Because when you add up all the good and the bad you end up with this amazing guy who looks at me and see the person I can be. He doesn't see tits and ass. He sees potential. He encourages me. He stands by me. He has never once abandoned me. Because I want to be there for him. I want to spend my time with him, even when he irritates the hell out of me, because as irritating as he can be, I still get thrilled that he would chose me. Me, over anyone else. The most intelligent man in the world sees something in me that he likes. How could I not respond to that? I'm sorry that it upsets you, Leonard. But do not think for one minute you have a say in this."

Penny was breathing hard after her rant. Everyone, including Sheldon was staring at her with wide eyes and open mouths. Without another word, Penny stormed out of the apartment and across the hall. Sheldon looked around the room.

"Well, I guess that answers that." He followed Penny at a slower pace. But not much slower.


	16. Ever Since the Day We Met

Penny was pacing her living room furiously when he walked in. She gave him a chagrined look and sighed. "I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't exactly stick to the script."

Sheldon shook his head. "Missy and George showing up a day early kind of upset our time table anyway." He moved around the couch to stand in front of her. "It's true, though."

Penny looked up inquiringly. Sheldon smile shyly. "What you said to Leonard. I do see the potential in you. I will always stand by you, Penny. I do care for you."

Penny looked at him strangely. Sheldon had never seen that expression on her face before. "Sheldon, what exactly are you saying?"

Sheldon twisted his hands together and looked down at the floor."No," she said, grabbing his arm firmly. "Sheldon you have always been very good at expressing yourself. Often with polysyllabic words I have to look up later. Talk to me. You've never been the type of person to keep your thoughts to yourself; so don't start doing it now"

Sheldon took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. "I care about you, Penny. I am attracted to you. The thought of never being around you is horrifying. The hope that someday you will sit on my lap because you want to, not just as a prank, is exquisite. I find I do not care how our friends feel or react to the idea of us, as long as there _is_ an us. I like you. And I would very much like to kiss you again."

Penny smiled up at him adoringly. She reached her hands up to his shoulders and pulled him down. Penny watched his eyes until he was close enough to kiss. Then she molded her body to his as she kissed him gently. Sheldon groaned and hugged her tight. After several minutes they pulled apart. Penny smiled at the astonishment in his eyes.

"I like you too, Sugar."

He looked down at her hopefully. "You do?"

Penny nodded. "Ever since the day we met, I've always thought you were attractive. But you never seemed interested, so I pushed it to the back of my head and ignored it. Sheldon, I meant what I said to Leonard. You are very important to me, and I care about you a great deal."

Sheldon cleared his throat a couple of times. "Penny I have to confess I have misled you. I was not interested in playing a joke on my siblings or our friends. I used them as a ploy to get you to pretend to date me. I was hoping that close proximity would elicit feelings in you and allow me to suggest a change to the paradigm of our relationship to include intimacy."

Penny shook her head slowly. "Wow, you planned all of this just to get me to like you?" Sheldon blushed and nodded.

Penny kissed him again, and smiled. "My cunning, devious, lovable, incredible, beautiful minded genius."

Sheldon took a few steadying breaths. "Does that mean our pranking is over?" he asked.

Penny shook her head. "Oh no, Sheldon. If you think I've passing up the opportunity to kiss and cuddle you in front of our friends, you really are bat-crap crazy."

Sheldon grinned wickedly as he kissed her again. He did love a good prank war.


End file.
